Bleached assholes that look good but are full of shit – This is advice that I am hoping was an attempt to provide advice from a good place but ended up being full of shit.
“She’ll Come Back” – Not going to lie, this advice really shook me up, mostly because it was from my therapist at the time. After telling her my woeful tale she said that these relationships almost never work out and that a high percentage of the time the wife/ husband ends up coming back to their spouse. Now, I recognize that I am no therapist/ councilor/ guru or anyone like that, however, I do recognize that after a spouse leaves you in such an immediately painful way this may not be the type of hope that someone needs. What it did was just provide me the reason to sit around and play the percentages. She’ll come back, it is statistically proven, I don’t need to heal, work on myself, or even attempt to move on. Why would I bother right? A professional, someone paid to aide you through your toughest times is telling me, this is just a momentary act and she will be back. Not, “hey I know plenty of people that have gone through this and it is tough but you will see that with time you will be stronger”. There is even the “I understand you are hurting, it is my job to help guide you through this pain so that you can regain some normalcy of life”. Nope she just said, she will be back, that is really it. (Whoa, got dizzy there from rolling my eyes while typing that. Really though, who the says that stuff? And a professional none-the-less.)
The idea that she may or may not come back at that time couldn’t have even happened at that time, as she was still living with me. So as I sat there watching her text her new man, prep for her nights out with him, that little devil on my shoulder kept whispering with a wry smile “don’t you worry, this is all going to blow up in her face and she will be begging for you to come back to her!” Well guess what, she hasn’t/ didn’t/ and I am pretty sure won’t. This advice led to me asking her (my-Ex) such questions as “if things don’t work out would you give me a chance?” (I would say second chance but there was no first chance to attempt to save our relationship. Not bitter though………..Okay a little bitter……..FUCK…..Okay that was a lie also. I am quite bitter about that aspect.) Based upon the advice I was given I had it in my mind, don’t forget that my mind wasn’t necessarily working at its usual capacity at this time for various reasons (lack of sleep, drinking, trying to figure out what just happened, etc.), that the percentages were in my favor. While maybe she will be with this guy for a bit, that there would be that moment where the doorbell would ring (it is broken now so she can hit that button all she wants I wouldn’t know anyone was there. I think it now just shocks the person pressing it), she would come walking back into my life, and we would work things out. A year and a half later, what I pray was just an attempt to make me feel better, or give me hope, is continuously recognized as absolute bullshit. Still though, each time I see her name pop up in my email about something for the kids there is always that sliver of painfully shit stained hope that this will be the time.
For some people, fully recognizing that they probably have more pride than I do, I have none, never have, and never will it’s too complicated. I thought I had pride for a while, I would shower daily, shave, wear nice clothing but now, maybe I gave up? I have a beard that I am growing not because it is trendy but because I am lazy, I will shower every other day most of the time, and I wear what I want whether it looks good or not. Some may say that this is no way of presenting yourself when you are single and certainly do not advertise this in public, definitely not on a blog, but, and you cannot see me right now (wait, can you? Drastically running around the house looking for a sticky note to put over the camera), I am currently sticking my tongue out, flipping you all off, and mooning you at the same time (it is actually quite a feat of agility, the Russian judges gave me a 8.5). Anyway, back to the pride thing. There are people out there that would think this advice is bullshit immediately and say “well I don’t want them back! Screw them they broke my heart.” That is not me. Not quite yet at least. The idea of her wanting to come back and me saying “oh no, not gonna do that again”, has at least popped into my head which I feel is progress, but it ultimately ends with us reuniting while running in slow motion towards each other in a field of tulips. I still don’t know what I would do if that situation even came up. I cannot definitively say that I would not take her back. Even after the emails, the putting me down, and the dramatic way things ended prior to her leaving. Eighteen years, 6,570 days, 157, 680 hours of my life were spent with this woman, and I loved just about every moment of it. I guess I just need to get over it, right? (Dramatic music plays)
“Stay positive” – Really, that’s what you are going to stay to me? Stay positive. What a joke. At the time I was barely able to stay neutral. Keep your head up though and stay positive. I get what they were trying to say, things could always be worse and I do agree with them, they really could be. I could be lying in a ditch, homeless, eating dead rats for dinner, and okay I get that. Would you tell that same advice to a homeless guy though, to stay positive? No, you most likely don’t even talk to that guy because he missed a spot when he was brushing his teeth with that discarded toilet brush and has a bit of baby bird still stuck in his teeth. Or his balls are hanging out because the pants he took from the dumpster were thrown out because the zipper no longer closed (I could go on and on with the possibilities). So then leave me alone too, I am that homeless guy (not brushing my teeth with a toilet brush homeless guy, but my balls are definitely out. Not because my zipper is broken, I would have thrown the pants away, but because I was getting my boys some vitamin D by tanning them on my front lawn. Helloooooo neighbors!). My home was where ever my wife and kids were and now my wife is gone and with her goes the kids half of the time. The (read this with as much snark as you possibly can) positive or “glass half full” approach is to say that at least I have the kids half the time. Um, to that I say, I had them with me or us 100% of the time, now I don’t. This glass half full babble is just ridiculous anyway, who wants a half of a glass of anything (unless its wine, then that is a great pour and I will be psyched). If I go to a bar and order a beer then they fill it up half of the way and hand it to me, I am not going to sit there and be thankful “well at least it is half full”, NO WAY, give me the other half of my beer you sneaky bastard! Who the hell in their right minds gets excited about half of anything that you had as a whole of to begin with? ICE CREAM IN A CONE!! Wait for it the point is coming……..do de doo doo…….whistling…..twirling my fingers…..and let’s end it with jazz hands, that was fun! Hope you all played along. Okay, Ice cream cones, ever see that sad little kid who has just dumped his ice cream on the ground but still has his cone in his hand? Come on you know you have either seen it or it has happened to you. You probably still remember the day right, some twenty years ago? Who you were with and what you were wearing? Ever see anyone walk up to that kid and say, “be positive, at least you still have your cone!” I think I would ninja kick that person in the belly button if they said that to me. I want my Ice cream AND the cone. It is only right that I can enjoy both isn’t it? No one tells that kid to stay positive they all feel bad for him and sometimes the ice cream parlor even gives him more ice cream for free if they are crying (warning this DOES NOT WORK if you are 37. I tried; they kicked me out and took my cone).
I think that what people should have said instead of “stay positive” was “Hey man, we would prefer it if you didn’t kill yourself over this.” I think I would have taken that better, honestly. It speaks to me, they recognize that this sucks, I am not in a good place, but that killing myself over this loss would result in a major inconvenience for them and my boys and maybe I should try to avoid it. Or they could have said look “this just isn’t the way to go, so if you find yourself on the edge of a bridge, call me, I will push you!” Now that is a true friend. I am not religious so I don’t believe in purgatory or anything, but, I certainly don’t want to find out that I was wrong either. If I am murdered I think that would get me into heaven (if I believed there was such a place). I think that there is more empathy in the “Don’t kill yourself” statement then that manufactured poster on the wall of your bosses office showing a cat in a tree, hanging on for dear life that reads, “Stay positive”. You know what I am talking about, you have all seen them. Those posters are gross and should be burned like books were in WW2. The people that said this to me just seemed like people that couldn’t think of anything to say. The thing is, it is fine to say nothing, to just walk up to someone and ask how they were doing or say if you need anything I am here. Stay positive is on a greeting card or a poster, you don’t say that aloud, you read it somewhere. Staying positive only comes in when you want it to come in. It is like quitting smoking. You aren’t going to quit unless you want to and no one saying anything will make you want to (unless it is your kid or something but still smoking makes me cool, especially vaping, now I get to sit at the cool kids table). I remember when people used to say “you know smoking will kill you?”, really, I had no clue. Wish there was a warning on the pack or studies that could have been done to let me know. Those words made me want to smoke more, not less. Of course I knew they were going to kill me, did I think it would happen to me, nope, do I still, nope, but I do know there is a possibility. Saying “stay positive” to me makes me angry which is actually the opposite effect that they were hoping for. All of this being said, I do and truly so, appreciate the effort. I tried to take it as well as I could externally, while screaming internally “Shut the Fuck Up and leave me alone!!!!!”
You just need to get back out there –
This one is easy, if you have read my back-story; I was never out there in the first place. So there, that is all I have to say about that! Written with a wry smile and a little boogie dance to end this session!
Peace out everyone and please if you have any advice or comments please let me know. I am always looking for ways I could improve my writing. Unless it is “stay positive” then just fuck off (sarcasm, incase it doesn’t come through in my writing).