Advice – Part 1 of 3

“Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one”, I believe that is the correct way the saying goes right? I may have two because I have been told that I am opinionated, maybe just a bit. It has been my experience that while someone is going through a tough time that assholes (opinions) fly all over the place. Now understand that I understand it is just human nature (at least it should be) to offer support and advice to those who are down in an effort to try to lift them. I completely get that and do the same myself, so I fully recognize the hypocrisy in poking a little fun at the advice/ opinions that were thrown my way, handed to me delicately, or provided third party. I still though have to examine how one should take this pile of assholes and work your way through which ones are just gross and stink, which ones are bleached to look good but they are still full of shit, and assholes that could work at eventually getting the job done. I will break them down into those three categories.


Gross Stinky Unwashed Assholes –

“Get over it!” – This one is a gem. I mean an absolutely lovely statement made to someone who is peering over the side of the bridge deciding if they should to swan dive away from the pile of crap that their life seems to be at that moment. Just get over it! Pretty easy right, what ever has happened to you recently just get over it! It was a revelation to me! I never knew that I could just get over it and then everything would be fine. I mean it never dawned on me to just get over it. Damn, all of this time that I have been sitting here in such personal agony, had I just gotten over right away, everything would have been rainbows and pretty unicorns from there on out. This advice I received with in weeks of hearing that the woman I have loved with all of my heart for over 20 years just left me for another guy. Fuck it though, just get over it. I have read a few websites on how to translate this saying during this time so I understand they mean don’t let the pain direct how you are going to live your life, but guess what, pain is part of life and when it hits you it hurts. Not all pain can go away instantly. From what I have also researched second to the death of a loved one, divorce is the most painful experience one can go through. It takes 1 year for every 10 years of marriage to feel like you are getting your head back on straight. Now if everyone who had a loved one just pass or had their hearts torn out of their chest by a loved one, had they just “GOTTEN OVER IT”, who knows maybe stubbing your toe would be number one on the pain list.

To equate this to physical pain, if I broke my leg in some horrible fashion while playing a tuba and riding a dolphin bareback, should I just get over that too? Go back to work like nothing had happened? Do I stand on the horribly dysfunctional leg that sort of dangles there as if it was noosed to the gallows, once in a while it’ll twitch so you know it isn’t dead yet, but it is definitely not okay. Should I just grab my tuba and jump back on the dolphin? No you put a cast that will allow the healing process to do its thing? You immobilize it and allow it to heal, THEN YOU DO PHYSICAL THERAPY. Emotional hurt though, get over it. Go back to work right away, concentrate fully on your mundane paperwork, carry on conversations like there is nothing else on your mind, and when someone asks how you are doing, don’t look as far away from them as you can and try to convince them you are fine by coming up with some over the top phrase to make them laugh so they will leave you alone! Nope just smile and say you are GRRRRREAT and nothing is bothering you because you got over it!

Now look, I am fully aware that I have spent the past year plus with my head up my own ass about all of this. Not wanting to go out or live a life. I completely get that we all handle our individual pains differently. I chose the hermit method of hiding in my house from society trying to work out the bullshit that was cluttering my head. This may have eventually led to my semi-feral behavior where leaving the home had to have a definite plan down to the route I would take, the people I needed to avoid and the acceptable amount of eye contact I could stand before hissing like an angry cat and running into a corner pawing at the air in a warning to approaching mental health professionals just trying to offer me a warm jacket that has really long sleeves. When I think about those three words and how many times they were said to me, it just makes me hate people more and continue my hermitting (new word, will be in the dictionary soon). This is the Jerry Springer Show of advice to me, it just reeks of having nothing better to say so let’s just hit him in the head with a dumbass statement then tell him that you were sleeping with his cousin the whole time.

Getting over it is something that only comes with time. And while it may not be the time period that others want for you it can only be ON YOUR TIME. It is hard for others, especially if they have never gone through something like this, to gauge what you are going through, so they search to try to find a way to help you “toughen up”. This sentiment made me rebel almost instantly every time I heard it. It made me want to do the opposite. It wasn’t until I sheltered myself that I was able to work on things and see that getting over this was even a possibility. When it becomes a possibility then a little light comes in, and as that grows then you will see that “getting over it” is exactly what you are doing. Until then though, don’t ever say those words again. They should be banned. Almost as much as when a couple looses a child and the response is “you are young, you can have more”. No one ever thought though that maybe they wanted that one. Am I young? I guess? Can I find love again? Sure, but what if I wanted that one.

“Go get laid” – Some may read that advice and think that a man must have given me that advice, well they are partially right, BUT I have received this stinky asshole of advice from women too, including my ex. “You know what you need to do, go get yourself laid.” First of all, is it really that easy? Should I wear a t-shirt that reads “looking to get laid” or just run through town shouting “ Someone told me that I need to get laid”. Will woman just walk over to me and say “Okay, let’s go”? If it is that easy then I have been WAAAAY over thinking this whole thing (and I have been known to over think things from time to time). I have never been one to just seek out sex, mostly because I never really had to, I was married and we had a good sex life, but it cannot be that easy. Also, I have never really felt that was an appropriate thing to do, I always loved the connection, the emotional connection that sex had to it. “Getting laid” seems like one step above masturbation but with the possibilities of obtaining some new rash or if I am lucky a pet that can crawl around by the dozens in my pants. Getting laid is like being a one hit wonder in music. You had success for that moment buuuuuuttt, its over now so you run around talking about that one song or playing it over and over at fairs and dive bars hoping someone remembers, but really only you do. You live in that moment of having that hit and then you die or you work at a gas station, until you die (not that there is anything wrong with working at a gas station) (I just don’t want to turn off the few readers I may have, there IS something that has to suck about working there. Don’t say I said so though). Maybe the news will say that guy that sang that song has died and then move on to a story about a guy who got his dick stuck in a pool suction port. It is at the least, depressing. So you got laid that night, you or she walk home, for a moment you are all puffy chested and macho “I just got laid” maybe you text a buddy that you gave it to her good. Then though you wake up, you are still alone, aaaannnnd, you have gonorrhea! YAAAAYYY getting laid! I will take a bottle of Jergans and a tissue any day.

I mean look, I know my penis has magical powers! It made two kids just by me shaking it around a bit inside of a vagina, it is pretty darn cool, but does it cure depression and self doubt too? If it does then, I don’t ever want to hear another woman talking about the miracles their bodies perform. Yay, you can grow a baby, wahoo. My penis can cure cancer (a bit of an exaggeration), it aides in world hunger (slight bit more of an exaggeration), and it can even protect our nations borders (okay, maybe a HUGE exaggeration, although it has to be cheaper than that fucking wall). Maybe my penis and I never connected on that emotional level that others have? I hear other men have named theirs, they talk about it, compare it to others, and didn’t someone use it as a reason that he should be president? Maybe my penis and I could use some couples counseling, maybe that lazy prick hasn’t been holding up his end of this relationship.

“Penis, it makes me feel sad when you don’t make me have sex with women to help me feel less sad about the ending of my marriage and the pathetic life I currently lead. Isn’t it your job to be the brains of this operation? From what I see on what I see on TV, in the movies, and from other men around me it is. I don’t feel that you are fully committed to making this work and frankly I think you are acting pretty selfish.”

(Muffled response from down below)

“Doc, do you see what I have to work with here? I mean this jerk that I am attached to, through no desires of my own, blames me. The guy doesn’t even leave his house? There is nothing I can do. Every time I try to let him know we should head out there and meet some women….” Long pause, trembles, and a deep breath before he starts openly weeping, “…he abuses me. He has choked me, pulled on me, to the point that I have become ill and thrown up, then he stuff my head into a tissue until I pass out. I cannot take this anymore, I want a divorce too!”

That could be based upon actual events, I will let you decide, but if my penis has a mind of it’s own maybe it wants a divorce too. Maybe I think that the best thing for my penis would be to leave me, meet someone new, and be happy. I just see the disappointment on him so often that it pains me to keep this relationship going (is a penis a him? Does it have a penis too? Is it like one of those mirrored images that just keep going and there are really thousands of tinier penises on my penises, penises? Did I just use the word penis too much? My apologies). We will see, maybe therapy will help, but one thing I am pretty sure of is that the simple act of getting laid will not lend itself to my overall recovery, maybe I have too much of a romantic ideology when it comes to sex. One thing I do know though is you never see at the end of the movie, right before it fades to black and the credits roll, two people talking about how happy they are never having met someone to spend the rest of their days with and how much they prefer “just gettin’ laid”.



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